Psychologists and Researchers John and Julie Gottman studied over 3,000 couples and followed some couples for 20 years. Through their research they discovered that there are different types of problems that couples face.
Solvable Problems VS. Perpetual Problems
As a relational therapist I see many different types of couples who come in for couples therapy or couple’s intensive sessions. Do you ever notice that some problems are easy to solve with your partner while others are always difficult. This is because some of our conflicts are solvable and some are perpetual. Perpetual problems point to the ways that we are fundamentally different people. Maybe one of us is a saver and one is a spender. Perhaps one prefers conscious parenting and the other prefers a more authoritative approach to parenting. We all have perpetual problems. They are problems that center on differences in our personalities or lifestyle needs. Typically, couples return to these perpetual problems over and over again. What makes a problem perpetual or solvable is different for each couple. Some couples have no problems with household chores, while others get stuck in a cycle of arguing about chores over and over again. The same could be said about parenting issues, the mental load, intimacy, or finances.
What is Gridlock
Have you ever seen a gridlocked vehicle, spinning its wheels but going nowhere. This is exactly what couples look like when they are gridlocked. They are fighting about the same thing over and over but nothing different is happening. When a couple is in gridlock, neither can use humor or empathy. Usually when someone is in gridlock, there are dreams, needs or desires that are not being recognized by the other partner. Gridlock causes a couple to become more and more disconnected with time.
Dreams
Gridlock usually happens when couples are not acknowledging each other’s dreams. These dreams can be tangible such as traveling, having children, or being financially supported. They can also be intangible such as a need to feel peace, a desire for adventure or a desire to be understood, recognized or appreciated. Here comes the hard part: When we express needs, particularly intangible needs, it requires that we are vulnerable. Lots of humans have trouble expressing vulnerability. It requires that we get truly honest with ourselves and our partners.
The Answer is Dialogue
When a couple discovers perpetual differences, this means that they can recognize that there are ways that they are always going to be different. It means accepting that they see the world in different ways. The real work is in showing respect for each other even if you see an issue differently. It’s not about who is right or wrong. That will get you nowhere. When you can begin to listen to each other without trying to find a solution, you can get out of gridlock. I’m not taking about pretend listening. I mean dropping your agenda really listening and trying to understand your differences without blaming or defending or pointing fingers. Couples do not resolve things when they are stuck on right and wrong. This is the epitome of gridlock.
Listener and Speaker
Here is one Gottman exercise that couples can use to overcome gridlock:
- Each person should take the time to write down their dream. Elaborate on why this is important to you. What does this mean to you? Write in clear, kind, non-blaming terms.
- Share your dream. Each person should take turns being the listener and the speaker.
- The listener should focus on listening without responding. This is called active listening.
- The listener and speaker should switch
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