We all want to be seen.
Not necessarily agreed with, not instantly fixed — just seen. Heard. Understood.
In couples therapy, I often watch partners wrestle with how to respond when the other is in pain. They rush to defensiveness or advice. They want to clear things up, move things forward, correct the story. It makes sense. But what most partners are truly longing for in those moments is to be heard and acknowledged.
What Is Validation
Marsha Linehan defines validation: “Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person’s thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors as understandable.”
Validation is the act of saying:
“What you feel makes sense.”
“I can see how you got there.”
“You’re not crazy for feeling that way.”
It doesn’t mean you agree with everything someone is saying. It doesn’t mean you’re to blame. It just means you’re willing to emotionally attune -to stand beside their experience, even when you don’t share it. Emotional attunement is the ability to tune into and respond appropriately to the other person’s emotional state. You cannot validate someone unless you’re emotionally attuned first. When we are attuned, we notice someone’s body language and energy shift.
When partners feel invalidated, they start to:
•Withdraw
•Attack
But when they feel validated, something softens. Their nervous system settles. Their walls come down. In many couples I work with, just a few moments of genuine validation can completely shift the emotional tone of a conversation.
What Validation Is Not:
•It’s not the same as agreeing.
•It’s not saying someone is “right” and you’re “wrong.”
It’s simply acknowledging:
“Given your perspective and your story, your feelings make sense.” “I hear you.”
That’s it. And that’s everything.
Here’s a structure I sometimes offer to couples:
1.Reflect: “What I hear you saying is…”
2.Acknowledge the emotion: “It seems like you’re feeling…”
3.Validate: “That makes sense to me because…”
It may feel mechanical at first, but it creates a bridge. Over time, it becomes natural.
The Deeper Impact
Validation isn’t just about resolving conflict. It’s about building trust.
It says, “I care about your feelings. Even when we’re not aligned, I still want to understand you.”
For many couples, especially those stuck in cycles of criticism and defensiveness, validation can become a way out of gridlock.
In Real Life
If your partner says,
“I feel like you don’t really listen to me,”
The urge might be to defend:
“That’s not true — I do listen!”
But a validating response might sound like:
“It hurts to feel like I’m not showing up for you. I can see how you’d feel that way based on how rushed I’ve been lately.”
Final Thought
Most of us didn’t grow up being deeply validated, so it’s no surprise we struggle to give it. But the good news is: validation is learnable. And when we offer it, its healing.
Modern Therapy and Wellness is a group practice in New Orleans. We offer individual therapy,couples therapy and couples therapy intensives. We offer in person services in New Orleans and telehealth anywhere in Louisiana. Contact us for a free consultation: info@moderntherapyandwellness.com