Author: Jane Troescher, LPC
Grieving during the holiday season is a nearly universal experience that we rarely acknowledge,
or discuss. Whether we’ve experienced the loss of a family member, childhood home, pet, relationship,
or financial stability, dealing with any loss during a “time of cheer” can be overwhelming and isolating.
That’s why it is important to honor our grief and the grief of others. Here are some surefire ways to
support a grieving person (including yourself) during the holidays.
How to care for yourself as a griever:
–Let go of expectations.
Whether you feel the pressure to look happy, or attend every event you’re invited to, know that you
have the right to spend your holidays however you need. Take a moment to ask yourself whether you
feel obligated to do something to please other people, or you think it will genuinely be beneficial for you.
It’s okay to not go to the party. It’s okay to talk about your recently deceased dog at the party. It’s okay
to cry at the party. You do what you need to do.
-Create your own rituals or traditions.
Sometimes we benefit from establishing continuing bonds and actively engaging with our grief through
ritual. This can look like setting a place at the table for a lost loved one, or eating their favorite food on a
holiday. Some other options are making a commemorative ornament, lighting a candle, making an altar,
and reminiscing with loved ones. The possibilities are endless.
–Take care of your physical needs.
This one may seem obvious, but we tend to put things like food and sleep on the backburner when
we’re in distress. It’s especially important to take care of our physical needs when grieving because grief
drains you. It forces everything to slow down and your brain is doing a lot of hard work integrating life
changes into your being. Doing simple things like taking a walk or a nap regularly can help re-invigorate
you.
How to support a griever:
-Invite them to talk about it without trying to fix it.
We’ve all heard the incessant platitudes like “sorry for your loss” or “X is in a better place now”. This is
our attempt at making the other person feel better, which will NOT work. Instead, let them know that
you’re thinking about them and you’re available if they wish to talk. Your goal is to offer your supportive presence and empathize with their feelings so they don’t have to feel as alone. “That sounds terrible” is
way more genuine than “Time heals all wounds”.
-Don’t try to shame them into or out of anything.
They will know whether attending the potluck is the best move for them, or whether they would benefit
more from crying in bed alone. The same goes for working, seeing a therapist, or talking about the loss.
It’s great to offer support with their decisions, but allow them to own their grieving process and the
autonomy to decide what is in their best interest.
–Offer concrete support.
“Let me know if you need anything” is a great sentiment, but people who are grieving don’t always
know what they need. If you can offer to help with regular tasks, it can alleviate some of the pressure of
daily life and allow them space for their emotions. Some good ideas are offering transportation for kids
or childcare, bringing them food, mowing their lawn, or helping with tasks around the house like laundry.
Modern Therapy and Wellness is a therapy practice in New Orleans. We are located on Canal St. near Metairie Road. You can see us in person or from your couch anywhere in Louisiana. We believe that all humans can use therapy. We believe that therapy should be warm, direct and relatable. Give us a call for a free phone consultation: 504-452-1483