When we think about relationships, our minds probably think of things like communicating and going on dates. While these are all incredibly important, this is leaving out a key element in strengthening our partnerships.
As part of his research Dr John Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds, then he followed up with them 6 years later. Many of the couples stayed together and many divorced. The couples that stayed together were much better at one thing: Turning Towards each other instead of turning away. At the 6 year follow up, couples that stayed married turned towards one another 86 % of the time.
Turning Towards- What is it?
Turning towards your partner forms the basis of trust, and emotional connection. You might be thinking okay so I get it. We should turn towards our partners but what does this actually mean in real life?
Here are 5 ways that you can turn towards your partner today:
- Notice their bids towards you
Psychologist John Gottman defines a bid for connection as the fundamental unit of connecting. A bid is anytime your partner expresses interest in you. This could be by bringing you coffee, asking you a question, sharing an observation or hugging you. Notice your partners bids and acknowledge them, remember to make bids toward them as well.
2. Respond attentively
When our partners make a bid towards us, we can turn towards them, away from them or against them. We can turn towards them by noticing and paying attention. We can turn away from them by ignoring or dismissing them and we can turn against them by responding in a hostile way.
3. Express kind words
Expressing kind words of fondness is one way that we can turn towards our partners daily. Thank you for cleaning the kitchen, you look nice today, I love you, I am happy to hang out tonight. All of these are examples of turning towards.
4. Greet each other
Couples who have daily rituals are more connected. One small way that you can connect daily is by greeting each other in the morning and in the evening with a hug and a kiss.
5. Notice when your partner is stressed
One of the things that Gottman found about turning towards is that couples who turn towards pay attention to each other. Successful couples are attentive. Noticing when your partner is stressed is one way to say: I see you, I care about you.
Modern Therapy and Wellness is a group therapy practice in the Greater New Orleans area. We provide in person services in the New Orleans area and virtual services anywhere in Louisiana. Here at MTW, we believe that all people can use therapy. We believe that therapy should be warm yet direct. We believe that people can unlearn and relearn., We believe that emotional health is just as important as physical health. We love our clients. We specialize in the areas of couples, couple’s intensive sessions, trauma, brainspotting, anxiety, and grief. Give us a call for a free phone consultation 504-452-1483