The term “mental load” was coined by a researcher in the 80’s, but has gained increasing
public attention in recent years. UCLA Health defines mental load as, “…the behind-the-scenes,
cognitive and emotional work needed to manage a household. Examples are meal planning,
scheduling and generally meeting the needs of every family member”. While the burden of
mental load in families tends to disproportionately affect women, every adult contends with it to
some degree. This is especially true with increased responsibility around the holidays.
If you are the person who takes on the majority of mental load in your family, the
holidays can be exceptionally stressful and isolating.
Some of the responsibilities we contend with during this time are planning events, decorating, scheduling, cooking, shopping, cleaning, housing guests, and traveling. Note that, while some of these are concrete tasks, they each come with their own mental components because we must consider how and when to complete them. For example, some of the mental load that comes with cooking a meal includes figuring out how much to cook, considering food allergens, remembering to check what ingredients you need,
planning a time to go to the store, making enough time to do the cooking itself. This is all while
attending to children, partners, and one’s own regular needs.
How do we mitigate this? There are several approaches we can take, including setting
expectations, delegating, maintaining boundaries, and practicing flexibility.
- Setting expectations means deciding what goals and commitments are manageable. Sit
down with your family, discuss what is important to them, and weed out what’s not. It’s
necessary for adults to come to an agreement regarding obligations to avoid confusion and
resentment. - Once the expectations are set, identify who is responsible for what. If you are the person
who takes on more mental load, resist the urge to agree to more than you can handle, or pick up
other people’s slack. Remember, these are shared family responsibilities to be delegated. Not one
person “helping” the other as though it were a favor. - Don’t feel obligated to take on more than you originally planned. Stick with what you can accomplish without overextending yourself. Also, if someone else in your family doesn’t follow through on their responsibilities, it is important to let them deal with the consequences, rather than swooping in to save them. Rescuing others repeatedly will tire and exasperate you.
- Be ready for plans to change; They often do. Maybe the store was out of a key ingredient
for a dish you planned, or an event was canceled because of extreme weather. You might need to
pivot, and sometimes this means more work, but it doesn’t have to. Practicing acceptance and
flexibility will prevent you from getting completely derailed. Remember, it’s okay if some things
don’t pan out as expected.
Author: Jane Troescher, LPC
Click here to read more about Jane.
Modern Therapy and Wellness is a group therapy practice in the Greater New Orleans area. We provide in person services in the New Orleans area and virtual services anywhere in Louisiana. Here at MTW, we believe that all people can use therapy. We believe that therapy should be warm yet direct. We believe that people can unlearn and relearn., We believe that emotional health is just as important as physical health. We love our clients. We have therapists who focus on the following areas: relationships, chronic illness, LGBTQ concerns, addiction, eating disorders, couple’s intensive sessions, trauma, brainspotting, EMDR, anxiety, and grief. Email us: kelley@moderntherapyandwellness.com