Most of us have stonewalled or been stonewalled before. Think about the last time you were in a conversation with someone and suddenly, they shut down and walked away. Stonewalling is when someone purposefully stops communicating with you. This can happen with your partner, your sibling, your parent, and even a friend. When you’re on the other side of stonewalling, it is painful.
Examples of Stonewalling
- Walking away during a stressful or hard conversation
- Changing the subject to avoid a topic
- Dismissing someone
- Ignoring someone or not responding
The Damage
Stonewalling is damaging to relationships. It can cause hurt feelings as well as a inability to trust the other person. Furthermore, in intimate relationships it causes problems with conflict resolution, and it leads to resentment.
Why People Stonewall
As painful as stonewalling can be for the person on the other side of the wall, in many cases the person who is stonewalling is also in pain or anxiety. People often stonewall when they are full of emotions, such as anxiety or fear. Psychologist John Gottman refers to this as emotional flooding. According to Gottman, stonewalling is one of the things that people are most likely to do when they are flooded. Emotional flooding is similar to being in fight or flight. When we are in fight or flight, our adrenaline is pumping and there are physiological changes happening in our bodies. Our amygdala helps us to process emotions. “Amygdala hijack” is when our amygdala reacts as though we are in danger. When this happens, our rational thinking is shut down. In essence, stonewalling is often happening because the person cannot respond from a rational place. Stonewalling was dubbed one of the 4 horsemen by Dr. John Gottman, as the use of consistently stonewalling can signal the end of a relationship.
Hit Pause
One of the best antidotes for stonewalling is hitting pause button. Pausing is different than just shutting down with no warning. As you notice yourself beginning to flood, use a code word or let your partner, or loved one know that you need to step away. It’s best to get ahead of these things by having a plan with your partner before you’re flooded. Come up with a code word and discuss how you both want to handle a flooding situation. It’s important to return to the conversation once you and your partner are back at baseline. Research shows that it takes about 30 minutes (give or take) for people to get back to baseline. Don’t rush back to the conversation. Take time to self soothe. Self-soothing looks different for different people but it essentially means engaging in an activity that calms your nervous system. Below are some examples:
- Cleaning
- Exercising
- Calling a friend
- Engaging in a project or some healthy distraction
- Reminding yourself that this moment will pass
- Breathing
- Listening to music or a podcast
Modern Therapy and Wellness is a group practice in New Orleans, Louisiana. We offer individual and couples therapy and offer research-based therapy. We offer virtual and in person services in New Orleans and you can see us virtually anywhere in Louisiana. We specialize in couples, and we even offer couples intensive sessions. Email us to chat about it: info@moderntherapyandwellness.com