I’m sorry. Two words that are hard to say, yet they can literally change the course of our relationships.
In Psychologist John Gottman’s research, he found that repairing consistently and quickly is key to a successful marriage.
A little bit me and a little bit you
A conflict usually involves a little bit of you and a little bit of me. Both parties usually have some responsibility in the conflict. As a couple’s therapist, I see couples going back and forth about who is right and who is wrong. I often say, “Does it matter?” The most important thing is deescalating the conflict and allowing your relationship to win rather than one partner to win.
John Gottman defines a repair attempt as “any statement or action-silly or otherwise-that prevents negativity from escalating out of control”.
Marriage conflict is inevitable
Conflict is normal. We all have conflict. When you’re in a relationship, there are going to disagreements or different perspectives on everything from parenting to intimacy to making life’s decisions. Therefore, if we know that conflict is inevitable, we have to know how to repair. In healthy relationships, couples repair quickly and often. To be fair, this is true in all of our relationships. Even our friendships.
Why is apologizing so hard?
Dr Karina Schumann is a psychologist who studies conflict resolution, apologies and forgiveness. Schumann calls apologies “the super glue of life.” A relationship repair shows the other person care and concern. Take individuals in recovery for example. There is a reason that making amends is a huge part of the recovery process. When we make amends, we acknowledge that we hurt someone. We acknowledge that our words or behavior was hurtful, even if we didn’t have ill intent. An amends can help individuals and relationships to get back on track.
Apologies don’t have to be perfect
An apology doesn’t have to be perfect. We should notice repair attempts even if they are imperfect. With that said, there are a couple of things that you’re going to want to steer clear of. Be sure that when you apologize, you’re taking responsibility and not just apologizing for “the way I made you feel” or saying “I’m sorry but.” Both of these things are damaging.
3 Steps to an apology
Dr. Cheryl Fraser teaches couples the art the mindful apology. It has 3 steps:
1. Apologize
Offer your apology. I did X and I’m sorry. I will do better. During this step you are making a repair attempt, and you are accepting responsibility. It is important that you accept responsibility for your part.
2. Forgive
The offended person accepts the apology. Thank you for acknowledging that. I appreciate you and I accept your apology
3. Begin Again
After a mindful apology, you both agree to begin again. Some couples even come up with a gesture that symbolizes the new beginning. It can be a hug, a high five or handshake. Whatever it is, it means we are starting fresh.
Modern Therapy and Wellness is a group practice in New Orleans, Louisiana. We offer individual and couples therapy. We also offer couples intensive sessions. We offer virtual and in person services in New Orleans. You can see us virtually anywhere in Louisiana. Email us to chat about it: info@moderntherapyandwellness.com