Most relationships aren’t damaged by one argument.
More often, the damage happens slowly.
It happens in the way we begin talking to each other when we’re frustrated. In the assumptions we make. In how quickly we become defensive. In the conversations we keep trying to have when neither person is regulated enough to actually hear the other.
As a couples therapist, I often tell couples that conflict itself isn’t necessarily the problem. Two people can disagree and still have a very healthy relationship.
What matters is what happens between you when you disagree.
John and Julie Gottman’s research on couples identified four communication patterns that are particularly destructive when they become habitual: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. They call these patterns the Four Horsemen. (The Gottman Institute)
Criticism: When the problem becomes your partner
There is an important difference between complaining about something that happened and criticizing your partner.
A complaint focuses on the behavior:
“I felt overwhelmed when I handled bedtime by myself again last night.”
Criticism sounds more like:
“You never help me. I have to do everything.”
The second statement isn’t really about bedtime anymore. It has become a statement about who your partner is.
Words such as always and never often show up here.
When someone feels attacked at the level of their character, it becomes much harder for them to stay open and curious about what their partner actually needs.
Defensiveness: When listening becomes self-protection
Defensiveness usually makes perfect sense to the person doing it.
You feel accused, misunderstood, or blamed, so you begin explaining why you did what you did.
“But I only did that because you…”
“I wasn’t ignoring you. You were busy too.”
“That’s not what happened.”
The problem is that while you are defending your intention, your partner may be trying to tell you about their experience.
Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do in a relationship is tolerate the discomfort of hearing, “That hurt me,” without immediately trying to prove why we shouldn’t be responsible for their hurt.
Accepting some responsibility does not mean accepting all the blame. Gottman’s work identifies taking responsibility as an important antidote to defensiveness. (The Gottman Institute)
Contempt: When frustration turns into superiority
Contempt can look like sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, eye-rolling, or speaking to your partner as though they are beneath you.
“You seriously can’t figure this out?”
“Of course you forgot.”
“Here we go again.”
Contempt is especially damaging because the message underneath it is no longer simply, “I’m angry with you.”
It becomes, “There is something wrong with you.”
Over time, it is difficult to feel emotionally safe or connected in a relationship where either person regularly feels belittled.
Stonewalling: When one partner shuts down
Stonewalling can look like walking away, staring at a phone, becoming completely silent, refusing to respond, or emotionally disappearing from the conversation.
And while stonewalling can feel punishing to the partner trying desperately to connect, it is important to understand that withdrawal is not always intentional.
Sometimes the nervous system is simply overwhelmed.
The Gottman Institute describes stonewalling as frequently occurring when a person has become physiologically flooded. Heart rate and stress activation increase, and the person’s ability to remain emotionally engaged can decrease. (The Gottman Institute)
This is where understanding regulation becomes incredibly important in couples therapy.
Sometimes the problem isn’t communication. It’s dysregulation.
Couples often come into therapy saying, “We need to learn how to communicate.”
And sometimes they do.
But I frequently see something happening underneath the communication problem: both people are trying to have an important conversation while their nervous systems are in protection mode.
One person gets louder.
The other withdraws.
The louder one experiences the withdrawal as rejection and pushes harder.
The withdrawing partner feels even more overwhelmed and pulls farther away.
Soon neither person is talking about the original problem anymore.
They are reacting to each other’s reactions.
Research on couples and emotion regulation supports the importance of this process. High conflict-related emotional arousal is associated with relationship distress, and research examining behavioral couple therapy has found reductions in conflict-related emotional arousal during treatment. (PubMed Central (PMC))
Being flooded doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is unhealthy. It means your nervous system may not currently be in a state where productive conversation is possible.
Sometimes the healthiest thing a couple can do is stop.
Not storm out.
Not threaten the relationship.
Not punish each other with silence.
But intentionally say, “I want to finish this conversation, and I don’t think either of us is able to do it well right now. Let’s come back to it.”
The real work is learning how to repair
Healthy couples aren’t couples who never criticize, get defensive, shut down, or lose their cool.
They are couples who become better at recognizing the pattern sooner and repairing it.
That might sound like:
“I’m getting defensive. Let me try that again.”
“I don’t like the way I just spoke to you.”
“I think we’re both getting really activated.”
“I understand why that hurt.”
“Can we take a break and come back to this tonight?”
“I’m on your side, even though we disagree.”
The goal isn’t perfect communication.
The goal is creating a relationship where two imperfect people can get disconnected and know how to find their way back. If you and your partner keep having the same argument, struggle with criticism or defensiveness, or find yourselves caught in cycles of pursuing and withdrawing, couples therapy can help you understand what is happening underneath the conflict.
At Modern Therapy & Wellness, we provide couples therapy in New Orleans, Louisiana for couples who want to regulate their emotions better, understand their patterns, rebuild emotional safety, and create more secure connection. Email us to chat or to set up a free consultation. Email: info@moderntherapyandwellness.com