Research into relationships has helped us to understand what makes some couples successful and what makes others more likely to divorce. The research shows that it’s not differences that leads to divorce. The research shows that it’s the way we behave towards each other that matters most.
Psychologist John Gottman studied couples in what is known as the love lab. He found that there were 4 behaviors that damaged our relationships the most and he dubbed them the four horsemen of the apocalypse. He is used this term because these behaviors signal danger for the couples.
The four horsemen are:
1. Criticism
Criticism is when you are upset about something, and you comment on your partners personality.
“You’re mean”
“You’re messy”
2. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is when you’re trying to ward off a perceived attack and you do this by counter attacking.
“You’re upset with me? What about what you did?”
3. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is seen 85% of the time in men. Gottman’s research found that people are most likely to stonewall, withdraw or shutdown when they are extremely overwhelmed or “flooded”. Contrary to how it feels, some people shut down as a way to stop themselves from saying more hurtful thi9ngs that they might regret. Regardless, stonewalling is ineffective, and it causes great damage.
4. Contempt
Gottman’s research found that contempt is the most damaging of the 4 horsemen. Contempt is when we hit below the belt, make sarcastic jabs, name-calling or insults.
Gottman found in his research that we are most likely to engage in the four horsemen when we are emotionally flooded. The key is to notice the behaviors, catch them and make repairs quickly. As couples increase their awareness, it helps them to engage in these less and less.
What is emotional flooding?
Flooding is similar to what we think of when we think of a fight or flight response. Emotional flooding is physiological. It is our bodies response to stress. A flood of stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol flood our bodies. We cannot think or hear clearly, our palms sweat, our heart rate increases, and our blood pressure elevates. Some therapists refer to this as being hijacked; our amygdala is hijacked. Gottman found that when couples were physiological flooded, this is when they were most likely to engage in the 4 horsemen. Have you ever seen two people in conflict where they are saying or doing hurtful things? Do they look calm? More than likely they are in physiological flooding and are full of adrenaline. While these stress hormones are helpful if a bear is chasing you, they are not helpful in de-escalating and communicating productively. or positively.
What should you do about emotional flooding?
- Have awareness that you are flooded. Know your signs. Does your heart beat fast? Does your jaw tighten?
- Practice pausing
- Some couples use a code word to indicate that a break is needed. You can simply say: I’m feeling flooded, or we need to take a break, this isn’t moving to a good place.
- During the break, do something that is self-soothing. Research shows that it takes about 30 minutes to move out of emotional flooding. It could take more time for some. Everyone is different. As we practice, self-soothing, we get better at calming ourselves down. During the break you can listen to music, work on a project, go for a walk, call a friend, engage in a healthy distraction.
- Let your physiology return to your baseline before talking again.
- There should be an agreement that when you take a conversational break, it means that you will return to the conversation once everyone is calm.
Modern Therapy and Wellness is a group therapy practice in New Orleans, Louisiana. We specialize in relationships. We offer individual therapy, couples therapy and couples therapy intensives. We offer individual therapy and couples therapy virtually in Louisiana and in person in our Mid City New Orleans office. We are on Canal St. near Metairie Road. To email one of our therapists, click here.