The number one reason that couples enter my practice is for “communication issues.”
The dictionary defines communication as “the imparting or exchanging of information or news.”
While it’s important to have healthy conversations, communication is more than just talking- it’s about connection, emotional safety, and understanding.
Here’s what “communication issues” often actually mean:
1. Couples are unable to talk about difficult things when they’re emotionally flooded
All couples have conflict. Conflict is normal. According to Dr. John Gottman, the issue is when we become emotionally flooded. Flooding is essentially when our bodies are in a fight or flight stress response. The sympathetic nervous system is activated, and it releases hormones into the bloodstream. We experience increased heart rate, dilation of pupils and increased alertness. Essentially, our bodies are preparing for battle. When this happens, we cannot be productive with our partners. One of the questions that we ask couples during their intake session is “How do you handle conflict?” We spend time educating couples on what researcher Dr. John Gottman dubbed the four horsemen of the apocalypse: Defensiveness, Criticism, Stonewalling and Contempt. Gottman’s research found that these behaviors increase the likelihood of divorce.
2. Many couples that present with communication issues are actually having trouble cooling down
In our work with couples, one of the first things that we do is help them identify when they’re in fight or flight. Next, we work on bringing their emotional temperature down.
During our initial assessment with couples, we ask each partner questions like:
What is something that calms you down when you are upset?
Some people like to read, engage in a project, or take a walk to cool down. what works for you?
How did you cool down as a child? What were your favorite activities?
After conflict, how much time do you typically need to get back to your baseline? What helps you to do that?
3. Due to the conflict, they are only seeing the negative traits of their partner
When conflict is being handled ineffectively for a long time, couples begin to view their partners through a different lens. Psychologist Robert Weiss calls this phenomenon negative sentiment override. When this happens, one or both partners interpret their partner’s words or actions as negative which leads to increased disconnection.
Couples can and do break free from viewing each other in a negative light but it takes some specific steps.
Here are 2 steps that I encourage couples to take:
Catch your Partner doing something right
This is also called scanning for the positive. When we catch our partners doing something right, we kill two birds with one stone. We increase our connection by reminding ourselves that our partners have good traits, and we enhance our partners’ positive feelings by expressing gratitude towards them. This is a win-win. Research shows that displaying appreciation is correlated with greater commitment and relationship investment.
Accept Feedback
In my 20 years of experience sitting with couples, when a couple accepts feedback from their partner, I immediately notice a shift in energy and physiology. I notice body language immediately move from guarded and tense to open and relaxed. What does this tell you? Couples feel safer and more secure when their partners are willing to consider their thoughts, concerns and perspectives.
4. They are not spending time outside of conflict to check in on their relationship
I encourage partners to implement a micro date or a check-in once a week. This could mean having coffee on a Sunday morning or taking a walk together. It could also mean sitting on the sofa together once the kids are asleep and spending 15 minutes chatting on a Wednesday night. I encourage couples to co-collaborate on what they want this to look like. It is uninterrupted time together. No phones, no kids, and no work. During this time, I encourage couples to ask the following questions:
How are we doing?
What’s going well?
What do we need more from each other?
Do any adjustments need to be made?
Are there any organizational or planning tasks that need to be addressed?
5. They don’t feel understood by each other
Many couples are listening to respond to each other rather than listening to understand. If your partner is saying to you that they don’t feel heard, spend time asking yourself:
What is my partner trying to convey to me?
What did I hear my partner say?
6. They are having the same fight over and over
This is a common problem. Couples often come to us who are gridlocked. They are spinning their wheels and getting nowhere. In this scenario, a couple doesn’t know how to get unstuck. Some of the ways that we help couples overcome gridlock is:
- By defining the gridlocked issue
- Understanding the underlying desires / dreams/ goals
- Facilitate couples listening and understanding their partners side of the gridlocked issue
- Helping a couple to accept that some conflicts are unsolvable
- Helping couples to compromise and find win-wins
- Teaching couple’s skills to navigate gridlocked issues
Bottom Line:
Real communication is learning to regulate our own emotions and building emotional safety so that we can hear our partners better. When we do this, we can choose different words, listen better, react differently and pause instead of launching into defensiveness. Some couples choose to work with a therapist who can help them to get on the right track.
Modern Therapy and Wellness is a therapy practice in New Orleans, Louisiana. We provide individual therapy, couples therapy and couples therapy intensives. Email us at: info@moderntherapyandwellness.com