If you’ve ever felt like your partner can’t do anything right or that every little thing they do upsets you, you might be experiencing something called Negative Sentiment Override (NSO). It’s a pattern that can take over in relationships.
Let’s break it down and talk about how to turn things around.
What Is Negative Sentiment Override?
Negative Sentiment Override is a term coined by renowned relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman. It describes a state where negative feelings about your partner start to impact how you see them. Instead of wearing rose colored glasses, it’s like putting on dark glasses: everything your partner says or does feels negative, even when it wasn’t their intent.
Signs You Might Be in NSO
- You assume the worst about your partner’s motives
- You interpret neutral or even kind comments as sarcastic or critical
- Small annoyances feel big and hard to let go
- You struggle to remember positive traits
- You feel emotionally guarded or constantly irritated
When NSO is active, you may still care, but the relationship starts to feel, more reactive, and harder to navigate.
Why Does This Happen?
NSO often sets in after:
- Unresolved conflicts or repeated emotional injuries
- Not feeling heard, validated, or respected over time
- Chronic stress, trauma, or burnout
- A long period without connection
The human brain is wired for survival, and when we feel emotionally unsafe, we start scanning for threats. Once negative sentiment builds, we start to see what we expect to see.
The Danger of the Cycle
The hardest part about NSO is that you expect negativity, so you hear it even if it wasn’t there. That leads to defensive or withdrawn behavior, which then reinforces the distance or conflict. And the cycle continues.
Shifting Back Toward Connection
The good news? NSO doesn’t have to be permanent. With intention and effort, couples can shift back into Positive Sentiment Override.
Here’s how:
- Notice the Lens
The first step is awareness. When you catch yourself jumping to conclusions or assuming bad intent, pause and ask: Is there another way to see this?
2. Name the Good
Start actively noticing the things your partner does well. Say thank you. Point out effort. Appreciation builds trust.
3. Use Gentle Start-Ups
Bring up concerns with kindness and curiosity rather than blame:
“I’m feeling disconnected lately. Can we talk about it?” instead of “You never pay attention to me.”
4. Repair After Conflict
All couples fight. What matters is how you come back together. Apologize when needed. Acknowledge what hurt. Talk about what you each needed.
5. Turn Toward Instead of Away
When your partner reaches out with a sigh, a comment, or a request, try to respond. These tiny moments of connection rebuild emotional safety.
Final Thoughts
Negative Sentiment Override doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. In fact, many strong couples go through periods like this, especially during stressful seasons of life. What matters most is that you recognize it, talk about it, and commit to rebuilding trust one moment at a time. It takes time to rebuild positive experiences. Be patient with yourself, your partner and the process.
Modern Therapy and Wellness is a therapy practice in the Greater New Orleans area. We provide individual and couples therapy. Email us for a consult: info@moderntherapyandwellness.com