One of the major goals of healing from infidelity is rebuilding trust.
Psychologist John Gottman created the sound relationship house. There are 7 levels of the sound relationship house. For today, I want to discuss the two walls that hold up the sound relationship house. They are trust and commitment.
Trust and Commitment
Without trust and commitment, we aren’t able to grow and thrive. When trust has been breached in a relationship, a couple of things have to happen.
Closing Your Exit Doors
First and foremost, the partner who has committed the act of betrayal must recommit to the relationship and “close their exit doors.’ The concept of closing your exits is from Harville Hendrix. There are lots of ways that couples can avoid intimacy with their partners. We can exit our relationships in small ways, such as by playing on our phones, or overworking. We can also exit our relationships in big ways, such as physical or emotional affairs.
At Modern Therapy and Wellness, when working with couples on betrayal recovery, one of the first things that we work on is closing your exits. This means stopping the affair and breaking contact. Without this step, the couple cannot move forward.
Making the choice to Trust
After an affair, it goes without saying that trust has been breached. The foundation must be rebuilt. At MTW, we understand and empathize with the partner who feels hurt and betrayed. At the same time, we remind the hurt partner that in order to move forward in the relationship, we must make the choice to trust our partner. Trust is a risk. It’s a vulnerable and risky decision to make. We get it. Will our partners keep their promise? Will our partner revert to old behavior? Moving forward with uncertainty is challenging. Individual therapy is often needed to resolve the PTSD symptoms from the betrayal.
John Gottman talks about 3 stages of affair recovery:
- Atone- During the atone phase, the focus is on taking responsibility, making an amends, understanding the hurt partners feelings, forgiveness, and patience.
- Attune- After reaching some forgiveness, the focus becomes building a new relationship, communicating respectfully, learning how to navigate conflict, prioritizing the relationship
- Attach- reconnection physically and emotionally, rebuilding boundaries and continued commitment. Creating and discussing shared dreams for the future.
Affair Recovery
Successfully recovering from an affair requires patience, honesty, and professional guidance. Some couples enter the affair recovery process knowing that they want to restore their relationship. Other couples enter our office uncertain and that is okay. During the assessment process, we gather all of the information, clarify goals and come up with a treatment plan. Your therapist will discuss with you and your partner how you want to move forward. We help couples to have the hard conversations. We also offer couples therapy intensives in New Orleans that we customize for couples who are navigating the pain of an affair.
Modern Therapy and Wellness is a boutique therapy practice in New Orleans, Louisiana. We see clients in person in New Orleans and virtually anywhere in Louisiana. We are relational therapists who proved individual and couple’s therapy. Email us for a free consultation: info@moderntherapyandwellness.com